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Just Getting Shit Out There
5 min read
Okay...so I had been posting a lot recently and then fell off the face of the earth again. I apologize to anyone who's been watching but there are several good reasons for that. So the following journal explains that a bit; but let me say before I move on that this is a vent/rant for me to get some shit off my chest. This is not a call for attention or anything like that, just me needing to get shit out there.
I have been fighting hypothyroidism for a long time now and it really blows. No it's not the worst thing in the world but it is something that effects just about everything in my life. If you don't know what hypothyroidism is, I am no going to fully explain it out; what I will say is that it effects more than just my metabolism, which is something most people don't know or understand. The thyroid keeps a ton of chemicals in balance from chemicals that effect the metabolism to chemicals that effect my mental/emotional state. Because of this I CANNOT lose weight until my thyroid is balanced out by my medicine, no matter how well I eat or how much I work out and try to keep myself healthy, but I still do. I am in pain daily because of the weight that I carry around right now and no one has a clue. My back is a wreck, my feet are constantly swollen and painful, I get leg cramps that envelope my entire leg muscles making them feel as if they are going to tear at any second, and a constant migraine.
On top of all of this, on the mental emotional side I am only a short trigger away from tears. I have severe depression at all times that I cover up as best I can, and I think I do a pretty damn good job. I put on a smile and do my best to keep everyone from knowing the war that is going on inside my head and body and I try not to complain unless something is truly bothering me. And yes I do mean WAR. I know I am beautiful in my own way and I know that the people I love, love me in return. But in my head there are times when I feel like utter shit about myself, I look at myself in the mirror and feel disgusted so I have a tendency to avoid them, and cameras and any kind of self image confrontation. There are rare occasions where I say "Fuck it. No. I am beautiful and sexy and I'm going to feel that way." But they are too few and far between.
In addition to the personal looks issues I have issues with feeling that I'm useless. Right now I have no car, no real job, and the only things I can do are take care of the house and my animals and work on my art and do crafts to try to make some cash when I can. Unfortunately because of the depression I often get in funks where I curl into myself and don't want to do anything but sleep. In the past I had done this and slept at least 18 hours out of the day only waking to use the facilities or maybe occasionally eat, which lead to me becoming physically ill and nearly blacking out at the top of the stairs in my father's house. I was only 16 at the time and that was when I decided not to let my depression rule me, but lately it's really kicking my ass.
Until recently with was my mum, my mum's husband, and me in the house. Now it's just me and my mum because mum is getting a divorce. Finally. ((for those who know why you understand this)) So right now I have to be her rock, yet again, ((again...for those who know...)) which is hard for me with my thyroid so out of control, not to mention no way to help pitch in. The asshat left her with all of the bills in addition to the mortgage of the house we're trying to get sold up north and the rest of the rent on the house we currently reside. Other than being a friend and therapist for mum I want to be able to provide help monetarily, instead I feel I am utterly useless and the downward spiral continues.
I will get control over this depression, over my thyroid, over my weight, and over my life. For right now what I need is support from my friends and family as best they can, and for everyone to understand that despite the strong front I may put on I am not okay all the time. That being said, don't keep asking "Are you okay?" or "Is something wrong?" It only works as a trigger for me.
In the next few days/weeks/months I plan on doing my best to keep up with my artwork, get control over my thyroid with the help of my doctors, and see if I can get back into classes somewhere nearby now that it's been long enough.
If anyone has read this, thanks for taking the time to do so. Sorry it's a little all over the place.
-Cast/Viktoria/Blood
I have been fighting hypothyroidism for a long time now and it really blows. No it's not the worst thing in the world but it is something that effects just about everything in my life. If you don't know what hypothyroidism is, I am no going to fully explain it out; what I will say is that it effects more than just my metabolism, which is something most people don't know or understand. The thyroid keeps a ton of chemicals in balance from chemicals that effect the metabolism to chemicals that effect my mental/emotional state. Because of this I CANNOT lose weight until my thyroid is balanced out by my medicine, no matter how well I eat or how much I work out and try to keep myself healthy, but I still do. I am in pain daily because of the weight that I carry around right now and no one has a clue. My back is a wreck, my feet are constantly swollen and painful, I get leg cramps that envelope my entire leg muscles making them feel as if they are going to tear at any second, and a constant migraine.
On top of all of this, on the mental emotional side I am only a short trigger away from tears. I have severe depression at all times that I cover up as best I can, and I think I do a pretty damn good job. I put on a smile and do my best to keep everyone from knowing the war that is going on inside my head and body and I try not to complain unless something is truly bothering me. And yes I do mean WAR. I know I am beautiful in my own way and I know that the people I love, love me in return. But in my head there are times when I feel like utter shit about myself, I look at myself in the mirror and feel disgusted so I have a tendency to avoid them, and cameras and any kind of self image confrontation. There are rare occasions where I say "Fuck it. No. I am beautiful and sexy and I'm going to feel that way." But they are too few and far between.
In addition to the personal looks issues I have issues with feeling that I'm useless. Right now I have no car, no real job, and the only things I can do are take care of the house and my animals and work on my art and do crafts to try to make some cash when I can. Unfortunately because of the depression I often get in funks where I curl into myself and don't want to do anything but sleep. In the past I had done this and slept at least 18 hours out of the day only waking to use the facilities or maybe occasionally eat, which lead to me becoming physically ill and nearly blacking out at the top of the stairs in my father's house. I was only 16 at the time and that was when I decided not to let my depression rule me, but lately it's really kicking my ass.
Until recently with was my mum, my mum's husband, and me in the house. Now it's just me and my mum because mum is getting a divorce. Finally. ((for those who know why you understand this)) So right now I have to be her rock, yet again, ((again...for those who know...)) which is hard for me with my thyroid so out of control, not to mention no way to help pitch in. The asshat left her with all of the bills in addition to the mortgage of the house we're trying to get sold up north and the rest of the rent on the house we currently reside. Other than being a friend and therapist for mum I want to be able to provide help monetarily, instead I feel I am utterly useless and the downward spiral continues.
I will get control over this depression, over my thyroid, over my weight, and over my life. For right now what I need is support from my friends and family as best they can, and for everyone to understand that despite the strong front I may put on I am not okay all the time. That being said, don't keep asking "Are you okay?" or "Is something wrong?" It only works as a trigger for me.
In the next few days/weeks/months I plan on doing my best to keep up with my artwork, get control over my thyroid with the help of my doctors, and see if I can get back into classes somewhere nearby now that it's been long enough.
If anyone has read this, thanks for taking the time to do so. Sorry it's a little all over the place.
-Cast/Viktoria/Blood
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